Waste of Time: James T. Kirk Facts

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In honor of other famous tributes, I present to you the facts about James T. Kirk:

James T. Kirk is the captain of the starship Enterprise, here are some intersting facts about him.

  • James T. Kirk can kill a Klingon by just screaming, KAAAAHHHNNNN!!!!!
  • James T. Kirk has had relations with every alien species - even those without females.
  • James T. Kirk completed a five year mission in three.
  • The needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many... if the one is James T. Kirk.

The last two were from Charlie. Please add more!

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Archived Comments

Comment 1 by charlie griefer posted on 1/27/2006 at 3:56 AM

James T Kirk can dereference a scalar variable that is part of a complex object

Comment 2 by John Dowdell posted on 1/27/2006 at 4:05 AM
Comment 3 by Ben Stucki posted on 1/27/2006 at 5:02 AM

James T. Kirk will be born in Riverside, Iowa.

Comment 4 by Rob Weaver posted on 1/27/2006 at 5:29 AM

James T. Kirk will be the first person to defeat the Kobayashi Maru scenario.

Comment 5 by Jeff Houser posted on 1/27/2006 at 6:17 AM

James T Kirk doesn't speak at conventions. Conventions occur because James T Kirk wants to speak.

Comment 6 by Jim posted on 1/27/2006 at 8:34 AM

James T. Kirk always scopes his variables.

Comment 7 by Peter Tilbrook posted on 1/27/2006 at 10:19 AM

James Tiberius Kirk would rather be a Starship Captain than a Federation Admiral. Go figure.

James Tiberius Kirk has a single surving "close" family member - his nephew, Peter Kirk, a Starfleet Academy Cadet.

James Tiberius Kirk's android offsider "Commander Data" nuked the Scimitar before it could unleash the Thalaron radiation - very nasty stuff apparently - and again destroy Enterprise, Earth, etc.

Comment 8 by Peter Tilbrook posted on 1/27/2006 at 10:20 AM

James T. Kirk: get the good on him at:

Played By: William Shatner
Final Rank: Captain
Full Name: James Tiberius Kirk
Date of birth: March 22, 2233
Place of birth: Riverside, Iowa, Earth
Education: Starfleet Academy, 2250-2254
Marital status: Single
Children: One son, David Marcus (2261-2286)
Date of death: 2293/2371*
Place of death: Enterprise-B in Nexus/Veridian III*
Serial number: SC937-0176 CEC
Quarters: On original Enterprise, Deck 5; on refit/1701-A, Deck 5/Room 0195

Comment 9 by Robin Hilliard posted on 1/27/2006 at 10:23 AM

James T. Kirk refused to fly anything other than Enterprise because:
- It had better performance;
- Event gateways are useful for time travel;
- He uniform required lots of concurrent male threads;
- Starfleet used DB2 and he needed the JDBC driver;
- He could run multiple instances with shield load balancing and impulse failover;
- At parties Uhura could do a really excellent rendition of "Met him on a planet and his name was Thbrill; JRun,Run,Run, a JRun,Run...";
- The brig was simple to implement with sandbox security;

Comment 10 by Steve Nelson posted on 1/28/2006 at 12:33 AM

These facts about Kirk are important. I agree. But i think it is even more important to understand the facts about Chuck Norris.


Comment 11 by Phillip Senn posted on 1/28/2006 at 2:41 AM

In other galaxies, James T. Kirk's name would be Mudd.

Comment 12 by Edward T posted on 1/28/2006 at 7:09 AM

Look what I found in declassified Romulan archives:

Phasers do not affect James T. Kirk, since he cannot be fazed, regardless of the situation.

James T. Kirk cannot be immobilized by the Vulcan nerve pinch, since he has nerves of steel.

If a Vulcan (other than Spock) attempted to mind-meld with James T. Kirk, he would be instantly reduced to a quivering, illogical mass of protoplasm in the face of Kirk's unutterable intellect.

Aliens are forced to speak English in the presence of James T. Kirk, even if they don't know it.

James T. Kirk can located dilithium from parsecs away.

The Enterprise can exceed warp factor 9 when James T. Kirk needs to defy hyper physics to arrive somewhere quickly.

James T. Kirk can regenerate hair in any color or consistency on a whim.

Tiberius Ceasar was actually named after James T. Kirk, when the latter saved the young emperor's mother from a hoard of angry Carthagians during a time-travel incident.

If the Borg connected to James T. Kirk, HE would assimilate THEM.

James T. Kirk can free-climb Olympus Mons without a spacesuit.

James T. Kirk can target the warp drives of a starship class he has never seen.

There are tribes in the interior of Irian Jaya that will not be discovered until the 23rd century, when James T. Kirk makes contact.

When the NSA tapped James T. Kirk's communicator, all they heard were recordings beginning, "Captain's log, Stardate...."

James T. Kirk holds the Roddenberry Chair of Haute Logique at Vulcan National University in perpetuity.

The original Enterprise has no holodeck, because James T. Kirk could just reprogram the computers to simulate any reality he wanted.

James T. Kirk holds all his senior staff meetings in the Transporter Room.

James T. Kirk created his own branch of mathematics called the Captain's Log to the base "T.", which represents the power to which a number must be raised to match Kirk's intellect.

James T. Kirk's IQ is the 44th Mersenne Prime.

Comment 13 by Carlos posted on 6/20/2009 at 1:02 AM

No toilet in the universe can contain the Captains Log.

Comment 14 by Carlos posted on 6/20/2009 at 1:05 AM

Captain Kirk once fought a Klingon for 2 and a half hours straight. He finally won by reconfiguring the toilet to pulverize. That replicator food is the worst.